Decode.

2010-06-06T01:06:00.002-06:00

I believe I've decided to stop blogging. I suppose we'll see.

2010-06-05T14:24:00.001-06:00

I don't know what to do anymore.
I've lost my way in life.
No real direction.
I know how painful it is to lead a life hurting others..
and being hurt.
I get so confused and lost.
I just wanted to fade away.
I just want to fade away.

o_O

2010-06-04T11:25:00.002-06:00

GAAAHHHH. I woke up this morning at like 10:30, had my shower and the proceeded to sing and dance about to my iTunes as I got ready for the day.

My own mood swings are giving me whiplash. Oh well, HAPPY DAY!

(I'm starting to sound like a crazy person.)

Nutshell, I Tell You.

2010-06-04T06:07:00.002-06:00

"Think about it. Why do people buy cards?
Not because they want to say how they feel.
People buy cards because they
can't say what they feel or are afraid to."

That kinda sums me up. Sans cards. More blog.
And awkward rambles.

-Insert Some Sound Of Frustration-

2010-06-04T05:36:00.007-06:00

I've lost the ability to make sense of anything. I'm going back into that dark place and that's the last place I want to be. Or maybe the second last place.. I don't want to be here in general, firstly. It's like.. hmm. I feel as if this place has gone stale. I'd love to be anywhere but here. Packing up my things and just getting the fuck outta dodge would be great.. or at least that's how I feel right now. But a person should always leave with a destination in mind and I don't have a single other place to be. I hardly feel like I belong here so I guess drifting off to some other place won't help much. If I'm not going to bed feeling elated, I'm going to bed feeling downright fucking miserable.

Tonight is the latter. Or. This morning, I guess.

I'm tired of the ups and downs, I'm tired of feeling all this shit I wish I didn't and I'm tired of dealing with people who just don't make any fucking sense to me. I know I'm an emotional person (and to a fault. A major fault), and I know I'm not the easiest to deal with... I just. I dunno. I know we all have learned to deal in our own ways, but I'm beginning to feel that sometimes my feelings are getting absolutely ignored when other people are "dealing". Is that selfish of me? I'm not sure. I give all I've got to some people, and all I have to offer, and I still get shut out completely. I've had too many people just shut me out, and without any bloody warning. Not only does that tick me off (I know being upset at people who are upset can't possibly help, but that's how it gets me. Maybe not mad.. just.. frustrated), it scares the daylights out of me. My anxiety can't handle that. It used to be so mild, and now the smallest things send me into a freak panic attack.

And ontop of that, I've been treated like a lot of people's goddamn therapist and then when it comes to my issues, God forbid anybody want to talk about them. I'm socially a little handicapped (okay, really hadicapped), and I try to lead into a discussion (perhaps awkwardly) with people that I believe I can trust, but it's like things just get veered away so it's like... why bother? I'm feeling kind of.. unappreciated, I suppose. And confused, as always.

Maybe it's not where I am, maybe it's not who I know. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm me, and me is severely fucked up. I hate feeling like two different people. I know when I manage to climb back up, I'll look back at this and go"wtf", and yet when I'm in these moods, I read through a day where I was happy and go "wtf".

I can't even relate to myself, sweet Jesus. And how pathetic is it that I can talk to a blog better than I can talk to anybody else? Fail.

P.S- Heavily medicated. Maybe this doesn't even make sense. Who the fuck knows. Whoever does read this, I hope I'm not coming off as selfish.. that's not what I mean it to be.. just. Bah.

My Head Is Jumbled.

2010-06-03T16:39:00.002-06:00

Like usual, right?

Am I worth all the crap that I'm putting you through?

Questions, questions, still no answers. Maybe I can clear my head at work with my retarded customers. XD Woooo..

Sweet Jesus.

2010-06-03T03:56:00.004-06:00

I could just outright explode with everything I could say right now.

It's Sooo Emo.

2010-06-02T16:39:00.003-06:00

But I'm beginning to wish that I had somewhere I firmly felt in place. I have friends, of course, but the more I look.. the more I see that I don't really have a solid group of people. I just sort of drift along. I want somewhere where I can belong. Then again, don't we all? There are people in this world who mean so much to me, but I'm running out of people who haven't severely hurt me. My faith in folks is wearing thin. And I got a bad feeling I'm searching in all the wrong places for somewhere to feel some kind of comfort. It's like I enjoy doing myself wrong. xD

Yes I know, emo. But.. true. >_<

A Screw Got Knocked Loose.

2010-06-02T05:58:00.002-06:00

The most violent appetites in all creatures are lust and hunger.

So True It Is.

2010-06-02T01:40:00.008-06:00

"The truth is:
Everyone is going to hurt you.
You just got to find the ones
worth suffering for."

-Bob Marley

D'OH.

2010-06-01T02:36:00.004-06:00

REAAALLLLYYYYYYYYY.

That is all.

2010-06-01T02:13:00.007-06:00

"Life is short.
You find a good one..
You keep em'."

How disturbing of me to hear such sound
advice from a total psycho from TrueBlood. ;D

I Often Wonder.

2010-05-31T17:20:00.003-06:00

Is everything complicated?

Or is it my head that makes everything complicated?

It's as if there's so much that should probably be clear as day to me, and yet I can sit and ponder myself into the biggest hole possible. My head can't decide which way it wants to go, or what answer it wants to settle on. Will they? Won't they? Should I? Shouldn't I? Did they? Did they not? Questions, questions and noooo answers.

It's my fault, too, which is kind of the worst part. I'm an over-thinker. I take the most basic things and turn them into the most unbelievable and topsy turvy things that boggle even me. Things that seem to make sense to everyone else, or are clear to everyone else might as well be an overcast day to me. Sometimes I can make things make sense to me, but it can be as simple as one single thing a person does, or says that can throw it all out of whack for me. It's very goofy of me and I'm trying my best to cut that shit out.

I keep a lot of it to myself which might be kind of a problem, too. When I vent to people.. I kind of ramble.. well, this whole blog is a ramble. I'll give you ten dollars if this makes perfect sense to you! Anyways! I ramble. And then I make a lot less sense to them than I'd like it to. It's as if it all makes sense in my head and then when I go to vent it out, it comes out like a 1000 piece puzzle that was all done in my head, but kinda fell out in all it's little pieces. So that's sort of why I don't like to talk directly to people. I guess that's why I have this blog. It's easier for me to type and vent to something that won't back talk me. :P And I guess it's not really as fulfilling as talking to an actual person.. oh well!

So yeah.. I don't know why I do it. I always have. Which is why I could never delve into psychology. I anaylze everything enough as it is. Could you imagine if I had the background to really get into people's heads? Good grief. I think psychology is incredibly interesting but I'd probably just twist my own mind up in the process.

By the way, you really aren't getting 10$ so shoo-shoo.

GTFO My Head.

2010-05-31T13:29:00.001-06:00

What. The. Faaaaack. I feel like I've forgotten how to think straight. Guaaah.

Weirdness.

2010-05-31T05:33:00.001-06:00

I've never really been a big jealous type, but I find the strangest things make me jealous, at times. Silly me.

Another Painting.

2010-05-31T00:44:00.006-06:00

It's some dude with a camera. XD Click to enlarge. It didn't turn out how I hoped.. but it's alright. I tried to play with a lot of shadow so a person has to look at it awhile before you can really see what's going on. Hopefully I succeeded. Enjoy. :)

Uaaghhh..

2010-05-30T18:12:00.000-06:00

I really am a different breed of terrible person for ever buying Twilight on DVD back when it came out. I've been cooped up in the house and watching the movies and.. holy gaawdddd does that movie make me nauseous. I like romance. Okay. I will admit it.. so sue me. BUT WOW. These characters are just..

I'l so rant about this later.. but I'm really hungry.

Well.

2010-05-30T05:13:00.003-06:00

God, I am such an epic failure, but I get a good laugh at myself. And I actually mean that in a good way for once. Nothing says a job well done like half-assed blurting out what you feel and then telling them to go away so that you don't feel awkward anymore. >_> God, I leak awesome.

Ah well. -stretch- The sun is up, it's a new day. And despite crying my eyes out a few hours ago, I feel okay. Maybe one day my emotions will make sense. We can all hope, right? :)

Mother Nature Is Mean.. Oh, And I'm Done.

2010-05-29T13:13:00.004-06:00

Cleared my head, decided to make the best out of my day off.. and whattheflyingfuckit'sraining. Hardcore. Edmonton.. I hate you and your shitty weather.

Plus, I have made a decision to man up and stop being a bitch.. about certain things. I've let some things get to me WAY too bad. I'm gonna face them, and go from there because I can't do this to myself anymore. Maybe if I face them, I can just.. settle thy kettle. 90% of the time I'm just fine about these certain things, and then once I hit a bump in the road, I get weak and BAM, emotional landslide right onto my head.

Woo, a mission!

Heh.

2010-05-29T02:46:00.007-06:00

It's almost funny how much someone can hurt another without even trying.

I'm way too conflicted about.. just about everything to make anything make sense anymore. I know I need to give my head a shake, but I'm losing it. Plain ole' losing it.

Good Freekin Grief.

2010-05-28T05:44:00.003-06:00

I can always feel myself so close to just breaking that stupid barrier of mine. And somehow, I still fail every time. I'm trying so hard. And I'm getting scared that maybe I won't get a chance to say things I want to, or do things that I want to..

I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. So much to say, so much to do.. but how much time is there left?

Too tired.. too tired to even make sense. That's a ramble for another day.

Mm Mortality.

2010-05-28T01:34:00.002-06:00

"Tell me, what is it you find
so fulfilling about human
companionship?"

"They feel much more strongly
than we do. Everything is urgent,
exciting. Maybe because their
lives are so temporary."

So Delicious.. And Mind Reading?

2010-05-27T13:33:00.004-06:00

I absolutely adore Eric and his completely weird relationships with all the other characters. I honestly prefer Eric over Bill 100%. Bill isn't terrible or anything, but he reminds me of Edward Cullen from Twilight and that's no bueno. Bill is TOO clingy and protective and kind of.. irritating. What I like about Eric (besides the fact that he's drop dead sexy -shifty eyes-) is how there seems to be so much more to him. He has substance compared to Bill. With Bill, I think if I could read his mind it would be nothing but, "SookieSookieSookieSookieSookie!!!" and I like how Eric kinda leaves me scratching my head at times. There's so much darkness to him, but you can catch that light sometimes and it's clear he's a good soul.. just conflicted and troubled. Bill is, in a nutshell, "I AM SO DARK BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE MY KIND..... I LOVE SOOOOOKIIIIEEE!!!!" and what I get off Eric is that, he knows that darkness and accepts it. And he doesn't feel sorry himself because he is the way he is, he lives and even embraces it a little.

And I love to look at him, just sayin'. :D

Also, a friend asked me if I could handle Sookie's telepathy if I had that gift. Kind of a toss up, I think. Sometimes, I can get a good feel at what she's feeling. People around here are like open books. Open books that yell. People are so easy to read around here. Maybe I'm more astute compared to some? I'unno. It's kind of nice being able to read people so well, yet at the same time it's boring and I almost feel bombarded. I've come across very few people who can keep me on my toes because they're just SO clear to me.

It's hard to say if I would find comfort in the silence she feels around the vampires, though. I do hate screaming open books, but some people are like books with 90% of the text faded and I'm fairly certain that said text is in Latin.. XD I've only experienced two very different spectrums. People who lay it all on the table, whether they just dump it all at my feet or I can just read it off of them.. and then the people who I just can't get a good idea of who they are or what they're about unless they tell me themselves. I enjoy people like that, yes, but I can't say I never get frustrated. There's so much I could ask, so much I'd like to bring up but because of that confusion I get, I never really know what to say or what to do. Then I do that thing where I get awkward, and then they get awkward. And then everyone gets awkward.

And then I get scared. T_T And because of that fear I get along with the awkward confusion, a lot of what I'd like to say stays as whispers in my head.

/SIGH

2010-05-26T12:42:00.000-06:00

I wish you could understand just how much I WORRY. Gaaahhhhhhhhh...hhhh.

Goodness.

2010-05-26T00:35:00.006-06:00

Sometimes I wish I could just yell to your face how badly you make my blood boil. And not in a damn good way. I wanna beat you over the head with a brick you stupid, self righteous, egotistical, pseudo philosophical son of a bitch.

...Just sayin'.

Glow.

2010-05-25T14:30:00.007-06:00

"And even Edison has no idea
Of all the blackouts I've caused you and me, ah.
And even with the lights down real low,
We'll glow.
I'll be the, I'll be the fuse."

I. Love. This. Song.

2010-05-25T00:57:00.004-06:00

Well, I really just love Dave Matthews Band in general.. but this song.. mmmm. It's so upbeat and so catchy, but.. uh, well the lyrics. -ahem- I will not lie, it can get me a little hot and bothered. Oh, Dave Matthews. XD

Shake Me Like A Monkey

The thing I like about you
Is the way you
The way that you do
The thing I like about you

God or the Devil alone
Could not have made you up
The two must have worked
As one together

So good just wanna eat you up
Nothing like the real thing
Lick your sticky fingers, boy
And sing for your dinner, sing

Come on pretty baby
Make me lose my mind
Everybody get together
Gonna make love shine

Do you know what it is
To feel the light of love inside you
And all the darkness falls away
If you feel the way I feel
Then I believe we have the answer
I've been searching for tonight
Love me baby, love me baby
Shake me like a monkey, baby
Forever I'm yours, yours, yours
Yeah forever, I am

I, I, I
Can't stop thinking 'bout you
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Why would I want to?

I like my coffee
With toast and jelly
But I'd rather be licking
From your back to your belly

I, I, I
Think that I'm going to

Cigarettes and coffee
Broken hearts and being lonely
Little girls and ponies
Things that go together

Yes and no
You have to choose
Romeo and Juliet
The hangman and his noose
You and me, we go good together

Kiss, kiss make a wish
Hope that it comes true
I ain't waiting for the world to change
Gonna change the world for you

Come on pretty baby
Make you lose your mind
Everybody get together
Gonna make love shine

Come on everybody
Make me lose my mind
Everybody get together
Gonna make love shine

For the first bit I didn't really listen to the lyrics and then one day I was like "=O Oh my goodness." But if you've never heard the song, take a listen. It's fantastic.

Good Grief.

2010-05-24T02:44:00.003-06:00

One day I'll figure out how to say it all, I promise.

And maybe one day I'll stop being such a jealous person. Gosh.

Good God.

2010-05-23T22:58:00.003-06:00

Today has been a little fail. At least the last couple of hours.

Fail #1- I took a photo of the beautiful sunset from my window with my webcam. After uploading said photo, my friend Kaila mentioned how there seems to be a bug on my window screen. Me, being awesome, got onto my chair and started to poke and jab at the bug clinging to the screen. What happens? The screen falls out. So I had to run downstairs, run outside and get it back. xD

Fail #2- I've been in a meh-ish mood lately, so I decide to eat some chocolate. And somehow, someway.. What happens? I go to bite the chocolate and chomp on my lower lip. OW. And then the bleeding starts. I was bleeding profusely from biting my lip. I'm smooth.

Fail #3- So clearly my lip hurts and I go to cautiously take a sip of water. The glass of water is more like a mug.. and holds like.. a pint. What happens? I miss my mouth and pour about half of it down my shirt.

Save me.

We Are Broken.

2010-05-23T17:59:00.004-06:00

I am outside and I've been waiting for the sun, and with my wide eyes I've seen worlds that don't belong. My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize. Tell me why we live like this. Keep me safe inside your arms like towers. Tower over me. We are broken. What must I do to restore my innocence, and oh the promise I adore? Give me life again, because I just want to be whole. Lock the doors because I'd like to capture this feeling that came to me tonight, so everyone will have a choice. And under these lights, I'll show myself it wasn't forged. I'm at war, and I live like this. Keep me safe inside.. And I'll take the truth at any cost. I just want to be whole.

Refreshing. A Little.

2010-05-23T16:08:00.006-06:00

On the bright side of things, I completed one of my goals. I used up my largest canvas ( 12 x 16) with a gouache painting. I started to feel really bummed out this afternoon so I decided to clear off my desk and paint. So a few water dishes, a wooden paint palette and a couple sketches later I was down to business. It took me about 2 hours to complete and I'm actually very happy with how it turned out.

The painting is based off of a photo of my friend Keltie that I had taken during a photoshoot for school.

Here is the photo:

And here is the painting:

I'm not much of a painter, to be honest, so it's nothing mind blowingly spectacular. But I do like how it came out. :) I hope you guys enjoy it, as well.

Oh, and an update, I did this little painting on an 8 x 10 canvas for my friend Erikk. He loves Half Life. iT'S NOT EXACTLY DONE, BUT ALMOST. jUST GOTTA ERASE SOME PENCIL MARKS. Oh and take off caps locks, too. ;)

Mmm.

2010-05-23T04:53:00.005-06:00

You didn't.

At least the Valium helps.

To The Few.

2010-05-23T00:59:00.002-06:00

"Don't you ever
for a second
get to thinking
that you're
replaceable."

Back To Basics.

2010-05-22T23:01:00.002-06:00

So I think to ease my mind a little I'm going to start a painting. One of my goals is to use up one of the bigger canvases I bought while I was at school so why not kill two birds with one stone? I'm not exactly feeling terribly creative, though. A few friends now have brought the artist Alex Grey to my attention and I'm kind of motivated to do a piece in a style similar to his. I certainly couldn't do anything as detailed or as complex as his, but I love the sort of surreal and trippy feel to all of his pieces. So perhaps. I'm not too sure. All I know is I need to shut down my mind for awhile.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now.

2010-05-22T04:32:00.004-06:00

I really, really, beyond words wish that I didn't have to feel like this anymore. Through my life, and mostly in the last few months I've accumulated a nasty collection of emotional wounds for various reasons. And although I know some of them will heal, others will just leave ugly scars. Emotionally, I can feel myself losing touch again and I'm so scared to go to that place again. Sometimes I feel like it's becoming impossible for me to get back on my feet. The days get better, I can remember what it's like to feel that warmth again and just like that- something happens to bring me to my knees again.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. My only real choice is to carry on, and that's what everyone keeps telling me to do.. but I don't want to. I just want to flop down and give right up. I'm an emotional wreck, I'm a physical wreck.. I'm an overall mess and it's getting hard for me to put on that dumbass grin of mine and continue. It's lame, I already know. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to wake up to a new day afraid of it. Afraid that something bad is gonna happen, like it always does. Afraid I'm gonna have an attack and wind up in the hospital again. Afraid that I have to face all the things I don't know how to face. Once upon a time I had this idea that I was so strong. Maybe I was.. but I really don't feel it anymore.

I'm trying so hard to make everything okay, to feel like everything can be okay but I don't know how much longer I can before I just snap again. It's all so fucking emo and it's all so fucking cliche and worst of all, it's all real.

I wish it could all just be one, big, terrible fucking nightmare. I want to wake up and have my Grandma, my Uncle and my two cousins. I want to go through a day without numerous moments of severe fucking chest pains, without praying I won't end up in the hospital again. I want to go to sleep happy, knowing that my day was alright and that everything was alright.

Dream big, huh?

I know this is even overly emo for me, but I guess I just need to vent. Plus I don't think I'm really all here right now. Here's to tomorrow not being an epic fail.

Git Er' Done!

2010-05-21T14:38:00.008-06:00

So I'm bored and feel like writing something so I shall do something simple. A list of goals!

This Summer:

~Hit the gym regularly. [ ]
I still go to the gym, but I've been on and off sick the last
couple of weeks so I've kinda fallen out of it.

~Go to the shooting range at least 5 times. [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ]

~Go on the annual trip with the guys. [ ]
Apparently our trip is set for July 1st to the 10th. It's up
in the air what exactly we're doing. Might just spend the
time at my friend Nick's parent's condo in B.C or actually
go camping.

~Use up two of my large 12x16 canvases. [X] [X]

~Get my passport. [ ]
I had all the papers awhile back but then I looked at them
and got a little frightened at how much there was to do. XD

~Get my learners license. [ ]
I really should get on that. I'm 19 for crying out loud.

~Get my game plan set for going to school for EMT-P. [ ]
I need some first aid courses, for starters. I have to take
EMR ( Emergency Response ) before I can go for my actual
EMT thingy and I need standard CPR certificate to get into
that.

~Go to Jasper. [ ]

~Go on a roadtrip. [ ]

~Renovate my room. [ ]
Seriously. My room has been the same since I was about 10
years old. Blue walls, flower trim at the top. It makes me die
a bit inside. T_T

~Get a tan. An actual one. [ ]
I'm grossly pale for a tan person. XD

Interesting.

2010-05-20T13:03:00.000-06:00

"I would die for for you.
But I won't live for you."

What. The Fuck?

2010-05-19T21:10:00.003-06:00

Alright. There are so many things wrong with this.

For one thing, 7 year olds can shake their thang better than I. =x

Okay, but REALLY.

This disturbs me a little bit. This video has gone viral and its caused quite the stir even to the point where CNN did a spot on it. It's brought up the concern about where you can draw the line with children. Is it okay for them to be wearing these kind of outfits? Is it okay for them to be dancing like that? Should the parents be blamed? Should the choreographer be blamed?

No. No. Yes. Yes.

These little girls are so talented. I did about ten years of intensive competition dance and their skills are pretty well equal to mine. Not saying I'm the dancing Queen, but I've had years of training and these kids blow my mind. That being said... why the HELL are early elementary girls being trained to dance like this?

Is it okay for them to be wearing these kind of outfits?

NOOOOooo. I was a skanky version of Little Red Riding Hood for Halloween and my costume had 80% more coverage and material than what these kids are wearing. Itty bitty shorts, bra tops and thigh highs? REALLY? I've read arguments that it's not so bad because they don't have any form of development or "curves" to fill out their costumes.. but.. that is just plain silliness. Skimpy is skimpy. I don't give a damn who you are or how old you are. Plus, there are some sick fucks out there who get off to stuff like this. I'm clearly not a parent, but even the IDEA of having some old dude oggle my little girl makes me want to puke. -shudder-

Is it okay for them to be dancing like that?

Hell. No. These girls are doing very, very sexualized moves and it's just not right for a damn seven year old to be doing them. Impressive choreography, yes. Appropriate? Not in the slightest. They're shaking their asses, sticking them up in the air, high kicks while laying on the ground, and all kinds of hip thrusting. Weirdness. Most of these moves are coined by burlesque dancers for crying out loud.

Should the parents be blamed?

Yup. Being part of the competition scene for a good chunk of my life I know that parents are very much part of the process. I'm pretty shocked that parents would agree to letting their girls go on stage looking and moving like that. I'd be singing a different tune if the girls were, say, older teenagers.. but they're LITTLE FRICKEN KIDS.

Should the choreographer be blamed?

Clearly. That's pretty self explanatory. Someone has some skewed morals.

These little girls are being sexualized (probably) without even knowing it. They're just dancing because, well, it's what they're there to do. I highly doubt that they get just how adult what they're doing is. It's not right. Period. Fin.

I'm Wretched.

2010-05-19T16:43:00.002-06:00

I am the murderer of electronics. >:( And I don't mean it! I dunno what it is, but I just break everything. XD

Okay.... so... I might know what it is.

I'm reckless. Mind blowingly reckless, at times. And I'm clumsy.

-Pockets elude me. I go to put my phone into my front pants pocket and more often than not I'll miss the pocket and pretty well launch my phone to the ground.

-Butter fingers. I can just be holding my phone, or my iPod and then suddenly it's this horrible moment of juggling as I fumble to keep it in my hands. It usually ends with said device on the ground.

-The dropkick combo. Basically, this is my nickname for my amazing ability to drop something without really realizing it and then stepping on it. XD Yes, it happens often enough that I have a name for it. I dropped my Blackberry when I was getting out of Steven's truck one day and then I stepped on it. Erikk, my friend who bought me the phone, never looked so horrified in his life.

-The toss and fail. My bed is firm. Yet when I lightly toss my phone onto it, the damn thing bounces impossibly high and goes flying into a wall or something. XD

I am lucky enough to have never literally broken anything by dropping them. My drops slowly but surely kill said technology, I'm sure.. but I've never dropped anything and had them outright break, or even cracked a screen or anything. It's kinda like me and my bones. I'm a walking disaster and have hurt myself in the most retarded ways, but I've never broken anything.

I don't even wanna start on the travesty that is me and computers. -Shakes head.- Just. Bad.

Technology and I aren't very good friends. As much as I love it, it doesn't feel the same way, I guess. XD I have four iPods and two Blackberries within two feet of me.

Here We Go.

2010-05-19T05:01:00.003-06:00

I hate it when you have a talk with someone, and something they say manages to just get under your skin for some reason or another. Now all I have are more questions and even less answers. Boo.

Airplanes.

2010-05-17T12:53:00.006-06:00

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now. I could use a dream or a genie or a wish to go to a place much simpler than this. When your plans unravel, I can hear them saying, "What would you wish for if you had one chance?" So, airplanes, sorry I'm late. I'm on my way so don't close that gate. If I don't make it then I'll switch my flight, and I'll be right back by the end of the night.

Lawl.

2010-05-17T05:51:00.000-06:00

Remember to sleep with your glasses on.

Trust me.

I Am Too Tired To Say Much..

2010-05-15T03:07:00.002-06:00

BUT HOLY COW "ROBIN HOOD" FELT LIKE IT WAS A THOUSAND YEARS LONG.

That being said. It was good.

But holy crap.

You Can't Imagine.

2010-05-14T06:07:00.002-06:00

..just how right you can make things. At least for awhile. And sometimes, awhile is enough. A thank you probably isn't enough, but it's about all I can offer. That, and dosages of my awesome.

So What If I'm A Sap?

2010-05-14T00:39:00.011-06:00

"Don't worry.

You know

I always

come back

to my

best girl,

don't you?"

-Tony Stark.

"Don't ever ask me to do
something like that again!"

"I don't have anyone.
But you."

"You're all I have, too, you know."

-Pepper Potts and Tony Stark

Courage II.

2010-05-14T00:17:00.003-06:00

When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

Courage.

2010-05-13T04:08:00.003-06:00

I seriously lack courage, sometimes. I wish I had what it took to say all the things I want to. Everything I want to say is always right there in my mind, but I don't have what it takes to just say it. I guess I'm worried how I'll be responded to in those situations. I know I'm afraid that it really wouldn't make a difference, anyways.

Fail, Shayla. Fail.

I'm Free.

2010-05-12T15:46:00.003-06:00

This is a poem that was on the back of my Uncle Tyler's memorial pamphlet and I thought I would share. It devastated me to have lost so many people in such a short span of time, but this little poem did make my heart feel a little less heavy.

I'm Free

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand and heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that peace at close of day.
If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things I, too, will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I've savored much
Good friends, good times
A loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief
Lift up your hearts and share with me
Don't worry now, at last, I'm free.

I'm hardly a religious person, but this does make me feel a little better.

Holy Cow.

2010-05-12T01:30:00.002-06:00

I am really not happy being put in the middle of all your damn bullshit. D: <

You.

2010-05-11T13:35:00.004-06:00

I'm just gonna throw out all this shit I'm feeling. Le venting and ranting those stupid, tiny things that bug me that have collected into full fledged dislike. is what I need to do before I karate chop a bitch.

I hate that:

..you're so egotistical.

..you say random, weird things, thinking it's cute or something.

..you still can't understand the concept of "there, their, they're" and you're 21.

..you think you're so smart, yet... cannot do the above and spell like an 8th grader.

..you spew philosophical quotes thinking that I don't know you stole them.

..you say insulting things all the time, as if you're top shit, but can't take what you dish.

..you try to make fun of me for being a gamer and an anime lover but you love Starwars.

..you really feel that I'm gonna come running to you.

..you try to buy my affection. Not only do I not want your shit, it's a little insulting.

..you seem to put a lot of effort into being "brooding" and "mysterious." The "tortured soul" thing is just pathetic on you. Looking for reasons to be sad is just.......... sad.

..you have no drive, whatsoever. All you take is the easy roads in life and wonder why you aren't anywhere.

..you tell me that you have soooo much potential and sooo much worth yet do the above.

..you've known me since last October and are actually convinced that you are very in love with me.

..you act like my friendships with other guys are YOUR business.

.. I can't tear you a new one because we have mutual friends I actually respect.

..despite discovering over time that you are the biggest douchebag sometimes, I trusted you and you hurt me worse than most ever have.

Lyrics: For When I Have Little Else To Say. :P

2010-05-11T02:42:00.003-06:00

I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a God that I don't believe in
Cuz' I got time and he's got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks
No, it don't break even

While I'm wide awake, he's got no trouble sleeping
Cuz' when a heart breaks
No, it don't break even
Don't break even

What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cuz' he's gonna move on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
No, it's don't break even

Ya Know.

2010-05-10T02:28:00.002-06:00

Maybe one day you'll get a grasp on just how much I care. And how often I question myself for it.

Well. I Have Nothing To Say. So Here's Pictures!!

2010-05-08T02:35:00.010-06:00

I am soooo attractive. xD

He is me. And I am... confused?

I got that new camera, so yes... it's go time. Like I said before, it has a front LCD so I can see what the outcome will be of a self portrait and group shots without cutting people off.. so came whore I shall. I really don't have anything witty to say here, or anything very interesting so I guess all you get is pictures... xD I'm tired. Sleep.

OH WAIT!

Short funny story. I was at work today and I took out my phone to check the time. This guy walks passed and stops, looks at me the conversation goes like this:

Man: "Heeey there... didja call me?"
Me: "Uh. Huh? No... Umm, did you need some help with anything?"
Man: "Nah, I was just headin' over to mobile audio to get some help."
Me: "Oh, okay. Yeah, that's not much my department."
Man: "Yeah.. I was on my way there, but you be lookin' so hot."

Yes. Seriously. He said that. It was horrible.

Me: "Uhhhhh... t-thanks?"
Man: "So you be going to a party later tonight?"
Me: 'Nuu.. I'm not much of a partier.."

And then he roamed away.

W.T.F.

A Whole Lotta Nonsense.

2010-05-07T03:22:00.004-06:00

I really don't have much to say. At least not anything important. I've been working straight closing shifts at work for the last bit, and have three more to go.. so I kinda just spend all day at work and not much interesting happens there.

OH WAIT.

I think I nearly punched an old lady. As I said before, I am a bad person. The damn woman lead me over to the portable DVD players to point out a model she had purchased, and explaining to me how she had gotten the batteries stuck in the one she had at home. For some reason, she wanted me to demonstrate how to insert and take out batteries from this thing. So she shows me the model, and....... the fucking thing isn't even one that uses batteries. It was a cheapo brand one that had a hallow hinge on it AND SHE PUT BATTERIES IN IT. Yes. Batteries into the hinge of the DVD player. I tried explaining to her what she had done wrong and she had the nerve to tell me I had no idea what I was talking about. She was SO incredibly rude. Ugh. What a cow.

Anyways.

On a brighter note, has a new camera. :D Just in time, too, because my old one is on it's last legs of life. "But, Shayla! Didn't you just purchase a new camera hardly a year ago?" Why, yes, fine reader.. I did. But my retard friend of a friend spilled coffee on it. Stupid, stupid woman.

So this is the Samsung PL100. It has a front screen thinger for self portraits so I may now cam-whore with much efficiency. And as Daniel pointed out, when I take pictures of us, I can see that he's making terrible faces and hurt him for it. :D YAY!

Ummm, what else? -Thinks- Not much else to say besides the fact that I've been playing Dante's Inferno for the XBOX 360 and although it's nothing totally groundbreaking, it is fun for what it is. It's basically the first chapter "Inferno" of The Divine Comedy adapted into a video game. Yeah.. no idea who thought of that. In short.. it's The Divine Comedy with mind numbing violence, a lot of boobs, the killing of unbaptized babies and toungue-nipples.

Yes.

Tongue nipples.

You see some terrifyingly wtf kind of things in the "Lust" circle of Hell in that game. I'm currently playing in that circle of Hell and I've seen things I cannot un-see. I thought unbaptized babies with sythe arms were scary. That was until I saw the vagina tentacles.

Yeah....................

I Find I'm Very Good At..

2010-05-06T13:52:00.003-06:00

Spending money. T_T

My new watch came in the mail today! Finally. My t-shirt beat the damn thing and I bought the shirt about a week and a half later. For shame, Tokidoki. Also, I bought an XBOX 360 yesterday. T___T I know I probably won't play it THHAAATTTT much.. but I got the Elite for 299.99 with 7 games included. I couldn't resist. I am a bad person.

Also!

2010-05-05T13:35:00.004-06:00

I was having a conversation with a good friend last night about life and death and other such things, and I was reminded of this quote:

If oblivion is all there is when we die,
If nothing happens other than
Suffering ends, or
A happy life was lived, or
An evil life was snuffed out, or
A boring life is at last over,
I think that's a wonderful alternative
To Heaven and Hell,
And I'd choose oblivion.

MINE, ALL MIINNNEEEE.

2010-05-05T13:12:00.003-06:00

So SplitReason has such fast shipping even though I just used whatever the hell their standard shipping was. I felt as if paying for express for a tshirt would be a little silly. I love it. SO CUTE. I'm so glad it fits decently. Typically, the awesome shirts never come in girl sizes. T_T Hmph! So I ordered a small in guys and hoped for the best. Also, this picture makes my chest look insanely big.. LOL. I must have been leaning towards teh camera because wow. XD

The arrival of my shirt has made me happy. How can something as bright as the sun not make you happy?! Alas, I can only flaunt about in it for a couple more hours because I must work. ;_;

Fate.

2010-05-04T01:19:00.002-06:00

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore.
She loves salting my wounds.
Yes, she enjoys nothing more.
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now.
I'm the Queen of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown.

If this is truly another stand-still, or some other.
Then I would die, but at least then I'd be free.

Errrr.... Say What?

2010-05-03T15:08:00.003-06:00

Yikes.

I think my Uncle is actually losing his mind. He's getting more volatile at the smallest things. He had a freak out earlier today because Dad was doing dishes in the sink and not using the dishwasher, which sparked a huge argument. Yeeaahh.. I dunno about him, anymore.

Okay. So I haven't for a long time, but you get it.

Their arguing was what woke me up and I kinda just got the tail end of it, which included him leaving the house yelling, "YOU KILLED MY MOM, YOU KILLED MY MOM."

Yeah, seriously. No word of a lie. o_O Not only is he somehow trying to pin my Grandma's death on my Dad, he's also being a selfish prick and using the term "my". That REALLY annoys me. She was Dad's Mom, she was my Aunt's Mom, she was my other Uncle's Mom, and she was practically my Mom. Yet almost anytime he talks about her, or she's mentioned, he has to throw in the "my". Just the way he says it makes me sick. I understand that everyone needs time to deal, but it's like he's refusing the idea of letting her go. He gets all edgy when anyone is in her room, or near it. That and he refuses to keep his Diabetes in check.. so he's just all around loopy these days. He was always a fucking prick, don't get me wrong on that, he's just getting worse and worse. I'm really questioning how we can live under the same roof as him. He's threatened to hit me, he threatened to attack my Dad today.. so yeeaaaah.

My Aunt is moving in tomorrow, and Dad's hoping she'll be able to help be a buffer between us and my Uncle. I highly doubt it, though. She's as hard headed as the rest of us. I can only see more arguments under this roof.

Which is totally what we all need.

Just not really. -__-

Help. :(

Okay, So I'm A Huge Dork.

2010-05-02T23:30:00.005-06:00

After long contemplation, I decided to order this shirt.. I think it's cute. XD It's from the website of my favorite video game viewer, Yahtzee Croshaw. He does rather critical, pessimistic reviews of the latest releases.. and he makes me laugh so hard. You can check him out here.

I'm A Dork, I Know.

2010-05-02T03:06:00.000-06:00

But it always makes my night. :)

Dear Immune System,

2010-05-01T13:39:00.004-06:00

You are a giant dildo.

Seriously. I am sick way too much, despite my best efforts. :( And I get majorly sick so often, plus end up in the hospital on a regular basis due to my "mystery" illness. What I hate the most about it (aside from the fact that doctors are apparently too retarded to figure out what's wrong with me) is that everyone treats me like I'm terminal whenever I get sick. I could just have kind of a cold/flu/not very nice thing and most people I know are like, "OMG PLEASE GET BETTER. OMG WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS?! DO YOU NEED A DOCTOR?! LAY DOWN. OH JESUS NOOOO."

Maybe a little over exaggerated.. but not much. XD Fuckers should make me a shoe in for the Make A Wish Foundation with how they treat me, sometimes.

I'm also having "one of those days". Being sick makes me really short tempered (yes, more so than usual XD) and so far I've wanted to hit anyone I've talked to with the closest object. Maybe I will play some Sims3 and kill off some people. ;D

Sometimes.

2010-05-01T02:17:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, I just can't help but wonder why I give a damn about some of the people I do. Sickly Shayla is bitter. Bah.

One O' Them Days.

2010-04-29T14:42:00.001-06:00

Time waits for no one. But people do. I just wish I didn't have to.

And on another note, I'm sick again. Nooo.. D: Nasty throat ouchies, and sinus stuffiness of joy. :( With an immune system like mine, I guess it was pretty inevitable that I get sick sometime soon.

So, What Does It Mean?

2010-04-29T00:13:00.003-06:00

A few of my friends were asking why I decided on the tattoo I did. I'm the kind of person who thinks a tattoo should be reserved for something that has meaning to you. I know a lot of people who just get random shit tattoo'ed onto them and it makes me sad. The girl who booked my tattoo had a giant pink walrus on her forearm. Maybe that did mean something deep, but wtf. XD Anywho..

"Time waits for no one."

I've always liked this quote, and I guess I could say that the last few months have put it into better perspective. When all the shit started to hit the fan and I was reeling from it all, time didn't mean much to me. I fell into my own little pit and stayed in there. I hardly spoke to anyone, I rarely even left the house.. yeah, it was a pretty lame time. But before I even knew it, about four months had passed while I was in my own little stand still. I was out of work, I wasn't in school, it was all pretty bleak and a lot had managed to go down the tubes while I was wallowing. I may have stopped, but life didn't. Time didn't. It really made me realize that time will go on with you, or without you.

Sure, the wallowing and the depression did make some sense considering what had happened, but I still find deep meaning in that quote. Not only does it remind me that time is ticking, and to pick up and move on, but it also mean something else to me. I guess it also tells me to just do it. Whatever "it" may be. Take a chance, take a risk, but do it because time is ticking. And it's not waiting. Maybe you're missing your chance to do something great.

This is your moment. Do it now.

"Time waits for no one."

2010-04-28T19:16:00.002-06:00

So there she is. :) I really like it, my bad, blurry, p.o.s webcam doesn't really do it justice, but yessss. It's not that blurry irl, I assure you.. LOL. Dad still hasn't seen it. Ahem.

Yay I Finally Got My- OWWWWW.

2010-04-27T21:37:00.003-06:00

So today I got my tattoo! Sadly, I have to wait 24 hours before I can take the bandage off. :( I saw it when it was complete and I absolutely just looooove it. I can't wait to see it when it's more healed.

And WOW did it hurt. Like wtf hurt. I have a high tolerance for pain and I'm pretty sure my expression through the entire session was X_X. I guess I did pick a kinda painful spot (forearm, closer to the wrist ), considering I have slender arms and the start of my tattoo is write over my tendons. Smart, right?

But I'm very happy I got it.

My Dad is not gonna be thrilled. XD

I Wonder.

2010-04-27T02:34:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, I wonder what I'm waiting for. Or why.

Talk About Changes.

2010-04-27T00:02:00.003-06:00

So in the last week a lot has changed. Nothing like.. MAJOR. I've just kinda done an overhaul on myself. I finally bought summer stuff.. I actually wear shorts and dresses now. And for those who know me well enough... yeah, I never used to do that. Jeans and t shirts were kind of what defined me. I finally put my foot down and decided that I didn't want to suffer through another +30 - +40 summers in jeans and hoodies.

I also got contacts. Glasses can be a pain in the ass.. maybe not to most, but I'm a clumsy ass. I haven't decided how I feel about contacts, yet, though. I've had glasses since the 4th grade so seeing myself without glasses is a little weird. I feel self concious because I feel like I look weird. XD

I also go to the gym now. Yep. My lazy ass works out. That's a miracle in itself. XD

And last but not leassssttt..

I'm getting a tattoo. =D The quote "Time waits for no one." on my right forearm. We'll see how that goes. O_O

Speechless.

2010-04-25T01:44:00.007-06:00

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dead glossy eyes
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh boy, you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again,
Oh boy, you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
They're gonna get you and after they're through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby, raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy, you've left me speechless
I'll never love again
Oh friend, you've left me speechless

How?

And after all the drinks and the places that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?

Could you give it all up if I promise, boy, to you..

That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again..

Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?

Some men may follow me
But you choose death and company
Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh.

Left4Dead 2: The Passing.

2010-04-25T01:00:00.002-06:00

Not. Thrilled. At. All.

Everytime, Valve, everytime. I hate you.

Damnit, Shayla.

2010-04-23T15:15:00.002-06:00

Soo I somehow managed to break Steam. Broke my heart in the process. XD I closed it so I could restart the program to get my Left4Dead2 add-on going... and Steam never did open again. ;___; It kept saying it couldn't contact the server. So I tried a repair install, and that broke, too. >_>;; So alas, I had to uninstall and reinstall Steam and I'm currently reinstalling all my games. Le fail.

It's true, I break everything. D:

Holy Mother Fucking Shit Fuck, Batman.

2010-04-22T23:50:00.002-06:00

Robert:

They brought the original survivors back, killed someone
off, there's new special infected and a new map.

Orgasm.

So I looked it up and yes, tis all true. Plus there's supposed to be more game modes, weapons and an "uncommon common" zombie class.. the fallen survivor.

I WANNA KNOW WHO DIES. Sadly, it's one of the original 4, which sucks because I love them all. I have no love for the new 4. ;___; So, MoFo, get online RIGHT THIS INSTANT so we can play! Please please please! ^_^

2010-04-18T10:43:00.002-06:00

Years.
It's been so many years.
Resenting the years.

Oh, I have hated and loved this,
I have hidden behind this,
But I finally see.

This, I've mistaken for destiny,
But the truth is my legacy is not a clear scene.
True, the imprint is deep in me,
But it will always be up to me,
Up to me.

Oh, ohhhh.
Free, at last.

I Need...

2010-04-17T21:33:00.003-06:00

To shop.

So.

Badly.

It's almost summer time and if I don't get some summer shopping done I will surely die. I'm so sensitive to the heat and yet all my life I've constantly decided that to change my winter wardrobe to summer, I just didn't wear a winter jacket, LOL. Fail, I know. My wardrobe needs a serious revamp. I do love my simple jeans and tshirt ways, but it's time for a change. The girl in me needs some summer dresses, shorts and flip flops. Another summer in jeans will kill me.

It was a beautiful day today (and I had to work, goddamnit), about +20 or so with blue skies and a soft breeze.. and although that's a rather nice, comfortable temperature.. I was overheating like a bitch all day. Mother Nature needs to stop throwing snow at me one day and then trying to fry me the next. She's such a cunt, sometimes.

I'm also really looking forwards to getting contacts so I can get sunglasses. XD Transition lenses suck balls and my poor, already awful eyes need protection.

And that is the most interesting things I have to say right now. I need a life. ;)

Epic. Fail.

2010-04-17T12:49:00.003-06:00

I am totally confused at how Jared and I managed to get abandoned and locked in at work last night. What the hell. That is all. XD I have work in an hour so let's hope something else retarded doesn't happen. ;D

Seriously?

2010-04-16T01:00:00.002-06:00

This is going to sound egotistical and I wear I don't mean it to. I swears!

I find that in every one's life there's going to be that one life altering heartbreak. Maybe the first heartbreak, maybe just the worst.. there's always one that sticks with a person, or changes them. I'm 19 and I've apparently been that heartbreak to five people. And really, I hate it. I hate being that girl who is apparently causing such "terrible, horrible, life altering devastation". I don't mean to cause that kind of hurt to anyone. Yes, yes, I realize how totally stupid this sounds, but bear with me. XD I just don't like being the center of things like that. It's happened with relationships, it's happened with people I didn't even have a relationship with. It's a little insane. Maybe the people I know are just incredibly dramatic. It's happened again quite recently and I'm baffled at how much it's effecting this person. As if all of the sudden life just isn't the same anymore for him. XD And I know I shouldn't even chuckle, but it boggles my mind. It somewhat humors me, but moreso bothers me. I don't like that this happens and I especially hate how they get all "woe is me" and make me feel like I'm some trecherous villain. I'm not perfect, but give me a freekin break. I just.. I don't get it. I'm only a single person and I can't understand how I can leave such a mark on a person. In some cases it's ended well and I'm even really good friends with one of them still, but others.. gah. Once case, said doom and gloom happened almost four years ago and he's still somehow hung up on me. And it as if he can only love me or hate me. So he's either, "Oh Shayla, oh Shayla. You are fantastic yaaaaay" or "YOU HURT ME FOREVER AND I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME".

I wish that was a dramatic version of it.

I dunno, people. Maybe it doesn't really make sense but I had to vent that. XD

Fear.

2010-04-12T00:08:00.003-06:00

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

I'm kind of a chicken. Almost all of it is really silly things like dolls, clowns and the dark.. pretty common phobias. I'm here to talk out one of my more severe fears. When I say severe I mean it terrifies me. It's not a tangible thing, either. I'm scared to death of abandonment.

For as long as I can remember, I've been worried that the people I care for would, for some reason or another, leave me. No idea where that started. I have a feeling it stems from my own opinions of myself. No, I don't hate myself or anything. I just know I'm not always the easiest person to deal with. I'm totally bi-polar, and if I'm not retardedly happy then I'm either over the top angry, or sad. Sometimes even I step back and shake my head at myself. I can't help the way I act at times and I wonder if it's going to push people away.

Another part of that fear is unrequited or unequaled feelings. I find that my relationships with people are things that I put most, if not all, of my heart into. I love my friends beyond words, and when I care for people, I care deeply. I doesn't matter how often they irritate me, how different they are from me, how far or how close, I'm gonna care a lot and I'm not afraid to show it. I worry a lot that maybe some people don't care as much as I do, or that I might be putting so much into a person who may just not give a damn. I know it's irrational most of the time but it's something that really gets to me.

I've had to deal with both and neither are fun, obviously. I can tell you, at least from my experience, dealing with someone I love leaving me was one of the hardest things to deal with. Some people have passed away, some people just left without a word. Both are, oddly enough, equally traumatic to me. I know I like to think I'm so strong, but this last while has proven to me that I'm very fragile. I'm a dependant creature of habit. When I have a person in my life, it kinda confuses and irks me when they become distant. I totally understand that everyone deals and works in different ways. Some people can disconnect and I know for a fact that I can't. There's people in my life that I talk to each and everyday. An example is my friend Daniel. We text back and forth pretty much from when we wake up to when we go to sleep. We hang out probably 3 or 4 times out of a week. Sometimes we get into fights and decide to just not talk to eachother. Give me a day before I break. Ending communcation just doesn't work for me. If I have the ability to reach someone I care about, I will. My anxiety gets to me often and I get a little (okay, more than a little) worried when I don't hear from people I usually do. Eventually the worry manifests into this idea that they might not come back and then I get a little spazzy.

Yeah, I know. I got issues. I do realize that it's all so kooky, but it's a personality quirk I don't think I can make go away. Being the way I am makes me chuckle when people worry about losing me. It takes a lot to push me away. When I care about people, when I love people, I'm probably the hardest person to drive away. I'm there for those people through the good and the bad because I'd want them to be there for me, too.

Trust me, I'm not going anywhere. Are you?

-Head Shaking Goes Here-

2010-04-11T22:22:00.003-06:00

I really haven't anything interesting to say, so I have a quote that made me shake my head.

"Don't make a girl fall in love with you if you're not ready to catch her."

That is seriously the most retarded thing I've heard all day. That's pretty stupid because I worked today and I work retail. ;D I don't think anybody MAKES anybody fall in love with them, or vice-versa. It's like pointing a finger and making yourself a poor victim just because someone doesn't return your feelings. Grow up. Sheesh. Just because you may love someone it doesn't mean you're entitled to them loving you back. Shit happens, I know.

Holy Shit, She Lives.

2010-04-10T11:03:00.003-06:00

Yep. Despite what you may have heard, I am still alive. It's been a very rough last couple of months but fuck that depressing shit. I think I could write a small novella on the drama and woe I've experienced since November, but I'm only gonna vent it in point form and move on. Very ill. Constant hospital stays. Cousin murdered. Leave off of work due to illness. No money. Grandma passed away. More sickness. Depression. Anti-depressants. More hospital. Uncle passed away.

*shakes head*

But I've learned that life does go on even when sometimes you wish it wouldn't. I've hurt more than I ever thought I could, but I also found out that time does heal a lot of wounds. I'm so far from fixed, but I'm trying and I'm sure I'll get there. I pushed it all behind me and wondered why I was only feeling worse and worse. Then I had an epiphany! Why carry on trying to hold yourself together when you can take a step back, and work on yourself, and try to fix what's been broken? That way you won't have to worry about holding it all together anymore.

I know. I am so uplifting. Hopefully I can keep up with this blogging again. I'm really boring. :P

Goodbye.

2009-12-14T03:51:00.004-07:00

I'm astounded at the hole you feel when you know someone's gone. Even though it's been an eternity since I saw you last, I know that I miss you. We all love you, and it's easy to see how many people will be changed by your departure. I've never been very religious, but I hope there's something better for you up there. Hopefully something out there that could ease the suffering you went through.. but I don't want to think of how you left, but who I remember you as. That goof who was one of my closest cousins when we were kids. It's been so long, and I've lost touch with so much of the family that it shocked me to the core to remember how much time all of us used to spend together. It almost feels like a bad joke, ya know? Jahron had invited me to come over for this coming Christmas and told me that no matter what, family was family.. and I had gotten to thinking and feeling guilty to how I pretty well left that side of the family in the dust. I decided that I needed to close the gap. And now you're gone.

R.I.P Melvin Hansen.

More Short Bloggage.

2009-12-11T11:08:00.002-07:00

I would like you to know that last night was the funnest night I had in awhile. I made it through a whole L4D game with you muahaha, I am proud of me. :) And it was really nice being able to sit back and talk with you for awhile. It's been awhile and it felt like old times! And for a moment there, I forgot how sick I was.

<3

Mn.

2009-12-07T03:13:00.001-07:00

Miserable. I wish someone would just talk to me.

I Does.

2009-12-06T13:48:00.001-07:00

Now you better know that I love you to death. ;D

Sigh.

2009-12-05T02:52:00.001-07:00

I just can't do this anymore.

x__x

2009-12-04T03:25:00.001-07:00

I don't want to be dying anymore. I miss being able to have fun and play games and.. go outside. I can't go a day without feeling so so so ill, or without going through intense pain. Failll..

/sigh

2009-11-29T03:20:00.003-07:00

H1N1 / Severe chest pains / Hospital via ambulance x2 / Major decline in health / Behind in school.

Lack of blogging for a reason.. lol.

P.S- We're beginning to feel like strangers.

Make me aware.

2009-11-05T09:28:00.001-07:00

Of being alive.

Less Whining, More Pictures.

2009-11-03T23:18:00.002-07:00

Halloween was good. The end.

Simply.

2009-11-03T11:13:00.003-07:00

Not happy these days. What more can I even bother to say?

In Truth.

2009-10-30T20:21:00.002-06:00

Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make and you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. You may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure exactly you got to where you are. They say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create.

And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved.

The truth behind it all is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, ..I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they all have their own. Well, fuck it. Amen.

Wooow. Ultra Fail.

2009-10-29T22:35:00.002-06:00

Doctor's reports are in and guess who has H1N1? I rock.

Just not really.

Sigh.

And I WISH I meant I didn't really have H1N1. God hates me.

I'm Still Alive. Well. Kinda.

2009-10-29T00:16:00.003-06:00

Sorry for the lack of updates.

School's been keeping me busy. Oh, and I'm sick.. again. :/ It's been a brutal four days. And I can't even bring myself to miss any school. x___x It's going to kill me. Monday was the worst of them so far. My head was on freekin' fire, but the rest of my body wsa ice cold. I was shaking and chattering in class.. but I can't miss classes. D: They don't accept any late assignments under any circumstances and I love my GPA.. Man, I am a wreck. But anywho. After feeling so cold, I guess my entire body decided to catch on fire so I spent much of my evening all half sleeping and delirious in bed.

And the next day I woke up with the temperature of a dead person. I wasn't feverish, just creepy cold and clammy. Dad was scared of me. I was a little scared of me. : P I felt less miserable and sickly.. just.. dead. Which can't be much better, but I liked not FEELING cold. No shaking and shivering. Yay.

And today. Well. Now I have this fucking cough that I hate so much. It's one of those dry, loud, painful as fuck coughs that I seem to be graced with frequently. I'm feeling less shitty than I did this morning, but still pretty shitty overall. This morning I just felt.. heck, not a lot. I woke up and I was kind of a shell of myself I just trudged around and did my usual morning routine, but Dad said it was very eerie. He walked passed the bathroom was I was straightning my hair, and everything I did was really slow and I was just kinda staring blankly ahead.

Creepy.

But yeah, aside from dying a little.. I guess I'm okay? I'm not sure. I'm feeling really lonely again these days. I have the company of my new friends from school but it doesn't come close to filling the gap that's left from the people I love and adore whom I rarely see anymore. :/I knew things would change.. but I didn't think it would end up like this. Everyone has their own life and I understand that, it just brings me down a little. I have so little time to spare for things these days, and even when I got the time, I sometimes wonder where everyone is. :/ And it does sting a little when I see friends setting aside time for other people, but not for me. Selfish? A little. I know. :(

Ah well. I love em' and they know it and when we got time, we got time. It's just a change.

What The Flying Hell.

2009-10-21T08:42:00.002-06:00

:/

So, I think I might be loosin' my marbles. I've been feeling really uneasy the last few days and honesty can't sleep without my bedside lamp on. I get really freaked out. Sad, I know. I've been seriously on edge this last bit and it's almost unhealthy. Even waking up in the morning, I feel the need to open my blinds fully to get as much light as possible. Having my room even dim makes me feel freaked out. I even get ready for the day and for bed with the bathroom door closed now. I get this uneasy feeling with the door open behind me. See? Crazy. And this morning was just fucked up. I woke up a couple hours early because I heard the sound of something tumbling down the stairs. Not like stumbling, but I heard full on crash bang boom thud thud etc. I thought my Grandma had fallen or something, so I ran out of my room only to find the hallway still rather dark, Daisy sleeping at Dad's door and certainly nobody at the bottom of the stairs. So I edged back into my room and tried to go back to bed. After that fail, I started to get ready for school at my normal time. Dad and Grandma were both downstairs and I was turning on my curling iron and digging around the bathroom for some of my makeup. Suddenly I hear all this talking from behind me. I turn to look over my shoulder and Dad's TV is on. I can see the light from his room from the TV and I can hear some talk show or whatever. I was a little too creeped out to go over there, but then it turned off again.

Yeah. Good times. T__T I'm scared.

Blah.

2009-10-20T03:07:00.001-06:00

Just plain blah. Awesome amounts of disappointment for my day.

Wow.

2009-10-20T02:15:00.004-06:00

I already miss how everything used to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm content with life as is.. er, pretty content.. but so many things are starting to change and feel different. I miss what it all used to be. I feel jipped.

The Only Exception.

2009-10-19T02:37:00.002-06:00

"Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts, and that we've got to find other ways to make it alone. To keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance.. And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. None of it was ever worth the risk.. Well, you are the only exception."

Hmm.

2009-10-19T02:30:00.000-06:00

I have that feeling that times are-a-changin' again. I don't like that feeling.

Paranormal Activity..

2009-10-17T03:32:00.001-06:00

Pretty much nearly made me pee my pants. Just so you know.

If I Never Come Online Again.

2009-10-16T09:17:00.001-06:00

I may, or may not have killed myself because of my mid-term today. :P Design History I mid-term.. worth 35% of my mark. Am I scared? Uhhh, yeaaaaah.

Wish me luck, because I think I'll need it. O_O