-Insert Some Sound Of Frustration-

I've lost the ability to make sense of anything. I'm going back into that dark place and that's the last place I want to be. Or maybe the second last place.. I don't want to be here in general, firstly. It's like.. hmm. I feel as if this place has gone stale. I'd love to be anywhere but here. Packing up my things and just getting the fuck outta dodge would be great.. or at least that's how I feel right now. But a person should always leave with a destination in mind and I don't have a single other place to be. I hardly feel like I belong here so I guess drifting off to some other place won't help much. If I'm not going to bed feeling elated, I'm going to bed feeling downright fucking miserable.

Tonight is the latter. Or. This morning, I guess.

I'm tired of the ups and downs, I'm tired of feeling all this shit I wish I didn't and I'm tired of dealing with people who just don't make any fucking sense to me. I know I'm an emotional person (and to a fault. A major fault), and I know I'm not the easiest to deal with... I just. I dunno. I know we all have learned to deal in our own ways, but I'm beginning to feel that sometimes my feelings are getting absolutely ignored when other people are "dealing". Is that selfish of me? I'm not sure. I give all I've got to some people, and all I have to offer, and I still get shut out completely. I've had too many people just shut me out, and without any bloody warning. Not only does that tick me off (I know being upset at people who are upset can't possibly help, but that's how it gets me. Maybe not mad.. just.. frustrated), it scares the daylights out of me. My anxiety can't handle that. It used to be so mild, and now the smallest things send me into a freak panic attack.

And ontop of that, I've been treated like a lot of people's goddamn therapist and then when it comes to my issues, God forbid anybody want to talk about them. I'm socially a little handicapped (okay, really hadicapped), and I try to lead into a discussion (perhaps awkwardly) with people that I believe I can trust, but it's like things just get veered away so it's like... why bother? I'm feeling kind of.. unappreciated, I suppose. And confused, as always.

Maybe it's not where I am, maybe it's not who I know. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm me, and me is severely fucked up. I hate feeling like two different people. I know when I manage to climb back up, I'll look back at this and go"wtf", and yet when I'm in these moods, I read through a day where I was happy and go "wtf".

I can't even relate to myself, sweet Jesus. And how pathetic is it that I can talk to a blog better than I can talk to anybody else? Fail.

P.S- Heavily medicated. Maybe this doesn't even make sense. Who the fuck knows. Whoever does read this, I hope I'm not coming off as selfish.. that's not what I mean it to be.. just. Bah.