I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now.

I really, really, beyond words wish that I didn't have to feel like this anymore. Through my life, and mostly in the last few months I've accumulated a nasty collection of emotional wounds for various reasons. And although I know some of them will heal, others will just leave ugly scars. Emotionally, I can feel myself losing touch again and I'm so scared to go to that place again. Sometimes I feel like it's becoming impossible for me to get back on my feet. The days get better, I can remember what it's like to feel that warmth again and just like that- something happens to bring me to my knees again.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. My only real choice is to carry on, and that's what everyone keeps telling me to do.. but I don't want to. I just want to flop down and give right up. I'm an emotional wreck, I'm a physical wreck.. I'm an overall mess and it's getting hard for me to put on that dumbass grin of mine and continue. It's lame, I already know. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to wake up to a new day afraid of it. Afraid that something bad is gonna happen, like it always does. Afraid I'm gonna have an attack and wind up in the hospital again. Afraid that I have to face all the things I don't know how to face. Once upon a time I had this idea that I was so strong. Maybe I was.. but I really don't feel it anymore.

I'm trying so hard to make everything okay, to feel like everything can be okay but I don't know how much longer I can before I just snap again. It's all so fucking emo and it's all so fucking cliche and worst of all, it's all real.

I wish it could all just be one, big, terrible fucking nightmare. I want to wake up and have my Grandma, my Uncle and my two cousins. I want to go through a day without numerous moments of severe fucking chest pains, without praying I won't end up in the hospital again. I want to go to sleep happy, knowing that my day was alright and that everything was alright.

Dream big, huh?

I know this is even overly emo for me, but I guess I just need to vent. Plus I don't think I'm really all here right now. Here's to tomorrow not being an epic fail.