Fear.

I'm afraid of a lot of things.

I'm kind of a chicken. Almost all of it is really silly things like dolls, clowns and the dark.. pretty common phobias. I'm here to talk out one of my more severe fears. When I say severe I mean it terrifies me. It's not a tangible thing, either. I'm scared to death of abandonment.

For as long as I can remember, I've been worried that the people I care for would, for some reason or another, leave me. No idea where that started. I have a feeling it stems from my own opinions of myself. No, I don't hate myself or anything. I just know I'm not always the easiest person to deal with. I'm totally bi-polar, and if I'm not retardedly happy then I'm either over the top angry, or sad. Sometimes even I step back and shake my head at myself. I can't help the way I act at times and I wonder if it's going to push people away.

Another part of that fear is unrequited or unequaled feelings. I find that my relationships with people are things that I put most, if not all, of my heart into. I love my friends beyond words, and when I care for people, I care deeply. I doesn't matter how often they irritate me, how different they are from me, how far or how close, I'm gonna care a lot and I'm not afraid to show it. I worry a lot that maybe some people don't care as much as I do, or that I might be putting so much into a person who may just not give a damn. I know it's irrational most of the time but it's something that really gets to me.

I've had to deal with both and neither are fun, obviously. I can tell you, at least from my experience, dealing with someone I love leaving me was one of the hardest things to deal with. Some people have passed away, some people just left without a word. Both are, oddly enough, equally traumatic to me. I know I like to think I'm so strong, but this last while has proven to me that I'm very fragile. I'm a dependant creature of habit. When I have a person in my life, it kinda confuses and irks me when they become distant. I totally understand that everyone deals and works in different ways. Some people can disconnect and I know for a fact that I can't. There's people in my life that I talk to each and everyday. An example is my friend Daniel. We text back and forth pretty much from when we wake up to when we go to sleep. We hang out probably 3 or 4 times out of a week. Sometimes we get into fights and decide to just not talk to eachother. Give me a day before I break. Ending communcation just doesn't work for me. If I have the ability to reach someone I care about, I will. My anxiety gets to me often and I get a little (okay, more than a little) worried when I don't hear from people I usually do. Eventually the worry manifests into this idea that they might not come back and then I get a little spazzy.


Yeah, I know. I got issues. I do realize that it's all so kooky, but it's a personality quirk I don't think I can make go away. Being the way I am makes me chuckle when people worry about losing me. It takes a lot to push me away. When I care about people, when I love people, I'm probably the hardest person to drive away. I'm there for those people through the good and the bad because I'd want them to be there for me, too.

Trust me, I'm not going anywhere. Are you?