Tired.

I've been so tired lately. Okay, okay, my unbelievably late nights and early morning can't possibly be helping.. but, I just feel tired. I can live off a few hours of sleep easily, but I've grown to feel so weary of everything. Emo, I knoooow.

For as long as I can remember I've been dealing with depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorders. When I was young, I was more the outsider looking in with my Mom dealing with her severe cases and since my early teens, I've had the problems myself. Naw, I don't have some crazy sob story. Honestly, I think I've managed rather well with overcoming my emotional broken-ness. I learned well from my Mom over the years that "curing" the problem with a volatile mix of medications from the doctors will do nothing but fuck you up more. So I refuse to touch any meds despite being urged to use them. I mean, why bother when I'm relatively okay? I can't justify using medication to block out the "downs", turning myself into a near drone at the cost of the happiness I do feel a lot of the time. That does make sense, right? That's all those meds did to my Mom. It was as if they just made her stop feeling. Yikes.

I'm pretty good about.. uhhh.. 60% of the time? Hehe, that's an alright balance, right? Right? I think that my most prominent "disorder" is my bi-polar. When I'm happy, I'm hit stages where I'm so soooooo happy. I look forward to the coming days, and I just feel great. But what comes up must come down and at one point, I'll drop down to a "depressive" sort of stage. In a nutshell, I can be horrifyingly moody. My depression only comes around now and again, but it's awful when it does. I'm lucky enough to not be at a constant low, but man is it ever a harsh blow when it comes around. It's weird for life to be full of meaning and beauty and all those other pretty adjectives, but suddenly.. you're blind to it all and nothing means anything. My anxiety is hardly a problem, unlike with my Mom. I think the anxiety was the worst for her. Worry that somehow manages to make you physically ill. Your heart hurts, your chest hurts, it feels like it's hard to breathe. In really bad cases, the smallest worry turns into the biggest attack.

Geez, I really veered off there. Kinda nice to just let that all out, though. But what I was trying to just get off my chest is that.. well, I feel like I've taken a major down turn. I find it hard to just care about anything these days. I hate how teen angst it sounds, but I guess this is what this bloggy is for. I was having a great, stress free year and then after my long bout of being ill.. something just hasn't been the same. I wish I knew how to describe it right. I kind of feel that being so secluded for such a long period of time did something to me psychologically or something. I missed socializing, I missed the outdoors and now.. I think I sort of avoid it all.

Who knows. Maybe I'm just a little koo-koo. :P Maybe Decode just needs some sun and summer!